I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
