How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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