even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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