Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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