I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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