I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Randomize