I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
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