she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
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