if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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