I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
ttyl tear gas
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
