You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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