im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
