we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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