Plan B is the new Plan A
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
