yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
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