I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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