Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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