I got chris browned last night
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize