Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
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