I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
