sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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