youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
