She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
