we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
