I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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