My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
So much rum. So many feels.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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