so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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