If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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