Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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