i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
