It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
