Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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