3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
My liver just broke up with me...
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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