I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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