The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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