Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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