I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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