you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
