You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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