Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
