I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
