so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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