I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize