i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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