I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
