Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Do you remember whose house we're in?
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
