i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
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