I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
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