I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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