last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Randomize
