I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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