I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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