the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
