He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
