I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
