Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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