I think I just saw someone hide a body.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
