i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
