I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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