Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Randomize
