i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
