I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
