New invention idea: vibrating tampons
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize