so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
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