we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
