Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
