Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
