I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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