youre lurking in front of me
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize