The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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